Oh, Snap. Is That Cake?

I met with my nutritionist this past week and I was pretty nervous. The last time I saw her I was down twelve pounds and I swore that when I weighed in again I would be down another five to ten pounds. I felt motivated, I felt great, and I felt strong.

When I weighed in I tried to hide my disappointment, I was exactly the the same weight I was two months ago, right down to the ounce. I think my nutritionist sensed my disappointment and said, "Congrats! You made it through the holidays without gaining weight!" I tried to smile, but inside I was upset. I was upset because I felt I wasted two months. I was upset because I hadn't lost a damn ounce. I was upset because it was my fault.

I know what you are thinking, "Stop being so hard on yourself!", right? Sometimes I think that my problem is that I'm not hard enough on myself. I might be one of the laziest people I know, seriously. Some days I just do enough to get by, knowing full well I'm capable of so much more. I guess my laziness (I mean, what else can it be, really?) is holding me back and the only one who can change me is me. I have to want to change.

It is tough to find balance with diet and exercise when you have an eating disorder. It is a constant struggle in my head of trying to push myself and giving myself a break. I can never find the right balance. I'm either too hard on myself or too easy on myself.

"I totally want that box of mac and cheese and I deserve it. I had a crazy day and I deserve to relax. I'll just sit right here on the couch and watch the Kardashians while I down a box of mac and cheese and a bag of Dove chocolates."

"What? You are only going to work out for thirty minutes? Are you crazy, all you did was walk, you didn't even run! How are you going to fit in your clothes if you don't push yourself and burn off those five pieces of pizza you ate while watching reruns of Parks and Rec?"

It is very frustrating because I know want to lose weight and be healthy, but apparently I don't want it that bad because I wouldn't be bitching and I'd be working out, right? Or am I being too hard on myself again? Focus on baby steps, right? Small goals, check. Suck it up, right? Yup.

If these are my toughest challenges, I consider myself lucky. There millions of people going through way worse than me, I am aware of that. I just felt the need to vent a little.

Make sure you check out my Color My Run giveaway! I bought an extra Color My Run coloring book to giveaway to one of you! Check out the details here!